Why people unmarried

Before the pandemic, she had been in a relationship with someone for two years, and last March it finally became clear what she wanted her life to look like. Yeah, I'm not interested in that. That's not what I'm doing. I could actually structure my life so that I don't need that one person. Right now, Lisa lives with two other people. This was sort of how it went for Elyse, 35, an administration analyst living in California who has been single for eight and half years.

Her ex-boyfriend, Elyse said, was someone she had dated, on-again, off-again, for about a decade. You know, it was kind of like, if I believe that, what else will I believe that isn't true? It was something to experience. Like Elyse, a lot of singles I spoke with had had revelations about themselves and what they want out of life. Silas Atkins, 42, does business-to-business customer service for a living, and for the last two years, he has been divorced from his wife of nearly 20 years.

I felt it was time to explore what I needed and could bring to a relationship. Take up a hobby. If 70 and 80 year olds can find love, then so can you. Just never give up. Well i was certainly raised by very good parents, and so many women today were raised by very bad parents. The good old days were certainly the best since many men and women had to really struggle to make ends meat, so women had no choice since they had to accept their men for who they were when both men and women had no money to begin with which many men and women had to live with their parents.

That is a good reason why marriages lasted a very long time, and our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles had very long marriages back then. So since the times have changed, so have the women which certainly explains why there are so many of us single men today. You contradicted yourself.

Most of the women I know make more money than the men they are in relationships with. Many of us are about all those other things a good man can provide such as support, companionship, physical intimacy, love, loyalty, family. She could have married the next suitor so her kids could eat, but she refused to go down that road again.

I take great offense to any suggestion that women and their children should be put in that situation again just so some men can have their egos rubbed. Older men exclude older women. You can realistically expect to have your cake and eat it too. Men are very very very picky and idealistic. It is what it is. Very True Story.

My cousin went to a singles dance with his friend many years ago and saw this girl that he was very attracted to which he said to his friend that someday i will marry her. And God punishes many of us Single men and women that would had certainly wanted the same thing. Go Figure. One very good reason many middle aged men are cynical and jaded about relationships is the financial ruin that many go through after their partner files for divorce.

Roughly three quarters of divorces are initiated by women. All the loneliness in the world is far more preferable to me than the wreck. I still wear my ring, not as a reminder of the past relationship but rather, as a deterrent. Much to the dismay of most of my friends and family, I have decided that staying single is a far better choice for me.

My brother just went through a nasty divorce. As you stated, you are not alone. Stories like yours and my brothers make me feel a bit better about never getting married. Good luck going forward. Everybody loses. I find myself going through longer and longer phases of loneliness, terrible loneliness. I have a lot of women friends and do socialize with them during the week, but nights and weekends are reserved for their families husbands,children and grandchildren. I am kind of their touchstone to another life, the single middle aged woman friend.

I passed up marriage for a career that never really materialized. No children although I did want to have children. I should have cut my losses and moved on but we spent years trying to be friends. Why I ask myself? I should have started dating in a serious way, but instead I closed down and really gave up.

I am 53 now and I look back and see clearly how I passed up trying and being open to finding a husband and father for the children I wanted and the family life I wanted. I am very alone and no one in my life really knows how alone. My married friends have no clue how difficult it is to date now. I would rather keep my loneliness to myself and fill my time when I am not working with my interests.

I am single because men I meet and date just want sex and are not serious about commitment. I watch porn once in awhile but i still want to spoil somone with love and affection. I even consider myself attractive too but seems nobody wants commitment these days. My last partner i made clear my feelings. Even after sex i tried many sweet gestures to win her over to no avail, i stayed with her when she needed me and tried to make her laugh and happy, always respected her feelings.

Then when i finally gave up and stopped trying we met up again 3 months later while she had a new bf that she decided to come out and tell me about, i didnt ask. I said congrats and continued my work. Same night she showed up an hour later to ask if i wanted to makeout after im off work.

I looked at her with my broken heart and just walked away saying nothing. She claims to my old friends she had too many booze that night. Every relationship ve been in was very similiar. Just people taking my love for granted and me getting fed up with it over time.

I have been in a very similar situation me being in your shoes and it really sucks! I understand being scared to open up again. Same with me, although to add that every time I talk to a guy, he immediately wants to rush into a relationship. No guy that I have come across ever want to take his time to get to know me. Guys, if you are reading this…. Keep doing your thing. Stick behind your beliefs and what you do and believe in yourself.

One day, a woman will see that and be attracted to the qualities she sees. Change your job, work out, get manicures, etc….. Some really attractive and nice men stay single or fail every one of their relationships because of the stuff that was explained here. Sometimes looks are the issue, but not always.

As far as I know, I even think self-esteem is more of an issue working out and stuff as you said can help improve it, but people, me included, should above all learn to love and accempt themselves. I could do all of the things you say because I used to and end up with a superficial, stupid and annoying wife that I have no love for. Today the times are certainly much different than it was back then, and it definitely was so much more Easier finding love at that time.

There are really No good places to go anymore since they had single clubs other than the bar scene without drinking, and they had a lot of church dance for singles too. Well that certainly explains why our parents, grandparent, aunts and uncles had it much easier at the time, and many of them are still together as i speak. Why should it be the men who have to change?

Why not the woman? Why is it always that the woman does the deciding? Why is it that we must meet her standards? Sure women have the pressure of having to look pretty and all, but men have the pressure of both looking good and having to do the asking.

There is always talk about the lack of equality between men and women, and I agree with a lot of it, but no one ever mentions this. That men have to do the asking and seek approval, and women do the deciding.

How sad are many of the responses. I had all those excuses and more when I was single, and stubborn, and picky and I thought happily single. Then I met my now husband and can now study, and work, and care for my family and pets…and go on holidays and with friends and still have a loving comfortable home-life to come home to.

My husband shares all that with me, and makes life and all of the above infinitely easier. So none of those are valid reasons. Someone who truly loves you will wait while you do your homework each night, surely?

Other people think they will vanish or self-combust if they are not in a relationship, and will try to be in one no matter what the cost is. This was one of the best articles on this subject I have read in a long time. I found it brilliantly insightful and illuminating. I find this exceptionally ironic for two reasons: 1 This article was not meant to be all-encompassing; that is, it offered only some reasons—eight 8 to be exact—why people OFTEN stay single, making it crystal clear that these reasons do NOT necessarily apply to EVERYONE; and, 2 If some people feel so authentically comfortable and justified and happy with their choices for remaining single, then why did they take the time to seek out this article, read it, and then comment on it?

One thing that makes it impossible for me to date is that I never jump on the chance to have an interaction with a woman. They need somebody, but nobody needs you specifically. You are nobody in the sands of dating possibilities. So why act? I have this wall that I feel like I need to be perfect in order to date somebody.

God created you and because of that, you have value. He sees you. Our world today likes to teach us from early childhood that we are a random accident of evolution. It is not true; God created everything. I believe your most critical need is to have a personal relationship with your Creator, who loves you. I would encourage you to find a Bible online or in print and read Genesis history of the world , Psalm , and the book of John—the fourth book of the New Testament.

Best to you. I just got out of a 12 year marriage. Trying to be a husband and parent at the same time put me and especially her under a huge amount of stress. So what have I come to conclude? No friends-with-benefits. No casual sex.

As such, I am a control freak times a million. My life is SO sheltered and scripted, and when people try to be spontaneous or change things I present them with super huge resistance.

Foot dragging, procrastinating, whining, complaining. Forget it! Why put people through that?! So — to add to this otherwise exceptional article, I think sometimes people like me have mental illness that just makes a relationship too impractical. Look how hard relatively normal people struggle to work on and maintain their relationships. Can you imagine how hard it is for someone with NPD to please their partners?

Can you imagine how someone living with an NPD must feel? I read their accounts online and it just makes me sad — how much sadness and emptiness people with my illness cause others. The last women who showed interest in me was politely rejected. She was disappointed and I found it very sweet that someone could be interested in a guy left with so little — so little to offer. Little did she know, I was doing her a massive favor!

I am just so entrenched in this personality disorder that I may never change at all, or if I do change, not enough to make a good companion for someone. I want to make a positive difference in my life and the lives of others. I have to combat my mental illness. Not within a relationship. I found your answer to be one of the most sincere, but self deprecating. I just do better single and am not that great in relationships. I feel like relationships bring out the crazy in me. Wow, yeah. I must have been in a real heavy mood the day I wrote that piece!

But, the shoe does fit. This is even when I try to be mindful, and giving and appreciative. Anyways, thanks for the reply. Normally when I come out with that stuff people can be rather… judgmental. Self-depreciating or not, some people are just in rough shape and really should maybe avoid romantic relationships.

That is very refreshing to see that you own it and have processed it. That takes a lot of self awareness and courage. Well there are many of us men that really hate being Single, especially when we have a very hard time meeting a Good Woman to spend the rest of our life with, and Loneliness is very much a Curse for us too. Someone decided we would have a credit crunch though about 9 months before I was gonna hit the real big time….

Then, I kind of projected all that feeling for her I suppose on to this other chick I used to know, I had previously known her from school. All the real problems I had were still waiting for me, change the circumstance, change the man…..

Saved some cash and went travelling, and boom I was off again, banging backpackers, waitresses, receptionists, cleaners, sales women, 1 journalist even, all sorts of chicks, left, right, centre…I could tell you how to do it, I can tell you what to say, I know exactly what is required to get laid, I even wrote a blog on it for a couple years…. Anyway, my travelling days came to an end, and I came home. Thanks for the article.

Gives me something to think about and act upon. Reading some of the comments, it seems like many are in denial …. This is the best articles and all the comments are very interesting… I am a single mother of 17 yrs old boy. Your solitary days will be no more, for tomorrow is safe in my hands.

Merry Christmas mommy, love you so much. I can identify with certain of the points of the article: low self-esteem and a mixed sentiment of a fear of intimacy. Starting with the latter, in my early 20s, I lived my first, which happened to be a long distance relationship, with somebody. During that time, I was unaware of the other relationships that she was engaged in. Tragically, I learnt that she had been sexually assaulted over the course of that year. I was confused, filled with contempt and compassion.

It is important to forgive, but to never forget. About a decade later, I gave another shot at being in a relationship.

We liked each other, but there was no love. I think was expecting too much. In fact she was too intelligent for me on a social and logical level. When my work ran out, I moved again, thinking that I loved her. She asked not to be contacted, but I would have liked to at the least keep a friendship going.

Very good article. Single, 35 years old female, educated and good job. As a woman I do not understand this. I am not sure what woman would accept a man being continuously unemployed and doing little about it. I still looked past it and stayed positive. I am shallow and admit it. If I can make time to look good for you, then I feel you can try to look good too. For the men who replied saying they are good guys but think they are unattractive, you can change that. One reader posted that all the good ones are taken, this is true because those men have lives in order and want to move to the next phase.

The remaining ones do nothing to change, look like cavemen, or is a whore. Nobody wants a dictator. I am My problem is that all the women within my age range are either divorced with children, or have children. It is one thing to have preferences, but nobody wants someone telling someone what to do. Drink water?

Come on. Of course I get the weirdos and the garden variety creeps. Like people with staring problems. There is this old saying I learned long time ago, steer clear from the ladies staring at you as they are looking for lust, and unclean. I am destined to be alone, period. People do so much to tick me off on a daily basis, in fact my head would explode if I tried.

I keep trying and failing. Lots of sex and lots of dates but nothing solid. I have no idea why. I wish I could secretly interview all these women to find out why am I always used as the boy toy and never a potential partner. And sometimes if we look real closely we might find we have higher expectations for our partners than we do for ourselves! Not saying you in particular, but a lot of people, a lot of the time. But what about many of us Single people that really hate to be Alone?

And i am sure a lot of the other men and women out there would certainly agree with me too. Really meeting the right person is very hard nowadays since the Divorce rate is so out of control now, unlike years ago when many men and women did make their marriage work.

But otherwise, single people have no idea what that phrase means. Having spent most of my adult life single i know all the difficulties that come with it.

But i firmly believe some people are really better off remaining single for their sake and the sake of those they become involved with. I always knew i was self-centered but thought i could change when i got married. I was wrong. Not long ago during a fight he told me i was the most selfish person he had ever met. That was quite a blow.

While he is no picnic basket he does give to others more than i do. I know i have compassion for the less fortunate but never learned to be a very giving person, or at least it would seem. In any relationship you have to give a lot. Make sure you are ready. You know, it was stated that a bad routine of work and staying in is almost a fault of our own making. My ex lives four states away and only sees our kids every other weekend.

I have no interest in bringing a bunch of men around my kids and as a single mother; I am barely able to keep up with work, a household and all the demands of my children.

Absolutely not. It means that every other Friday night if I am not working a 6th or 7th day for the week , I am dying to put my feet up with that glass of wine and put the TV on. Not because I am avoiding intimacy, but more because in those moments, I have no demands put on me.

So, I ask this question- where and does a person that is genuinely exhausted meet someone else that has just as much on their plate to share this insanity called life with? I like the idea of being in love and having a relationship, but the theory is different from reality.

I think I am lucky to be divorced. Each day that goes by I am stronger being single. I am not alone — I have kids, family, friends… even my ex-wife is a part of my life now, just in a different and limited way. Was she impossible to please? Some say she was pretty demanding and unwilling to compromise… Or was I putting too much effort into the wrong things?

Did I just miss the boat entirely? I am going to enjoy this summer, free from what felt like a whole lot of work and frustration only to have an unappreciative audience at the other end of it. And connecting with the right person for us is very Difficult for us right now, especially for us Good men looking for a Good woman to settle down with.

I think that some people want to have ralation but dont know about true contact and what say and how say first time. I think am just ugly. My height has also contributed. Otherwise some of us wish we had them. I used to be very successful at dating until I was 26, and after that, everything went downhill quickly. Today with almost 31 years old, I have been years without dating, except from maybe a date every 9 months, after which the girl usually wants to know nothing about me anymore. Maybe they are right.

With so many very high maintenance women out there these days it certainly makes it very hard for us good single men meeting a good decent one today. I found this really helpful. I am still lost but mostly because i cant tell which or how many of these are the true cause of my problem.

I am only 17 and am by no means dying for a relationship but i was begining to think that there may be smothing wrong with me. I have always been a little more observant than other kids and when i was in the first grade and girls where already fighting over guys t date i was disgusted. I began to think i was aromantic or asexual and that maye i was better off with just friends. The problem is most people are selfish and self-entitled. Hi, My situation is weird I read some comments who would agree with me.

But, nobody shows interest in me the way I wanted — serious relationship! To find someone suitable for you, is to find someone who shares the same things as you not everything, can be a couple of things , wants the same things in life as well. For the most part why relationships break, is lack of proper communication nagging adds stress to partners , lack of common interests and always giving negative energy.

When I find guys, I am looking for common interests, hobbies, views on certain things, something that complements my life and vise versa. The other dating site is way better and more details, 5 categories with percent matches etc. One more thing, children needs a stay home parent to teach and raise their kids and not strangers, that is why some females are looking for a financially stable men!

Yeah I agree with other comments. Sometimes I just sit and think that maybe I will never have a man In my life because I am not attractive,or maybe God wants me to focus on Him. I always wanted someone to compliment my goals and aspirations. I fall into the category of dating adventagous men. It is amazing that the workforce makes you into someone that must succeed higher than the mom just working to put food on the table or compared to the other single woman whom holds herself as a powerhouse with the boys club.

For me being single has been more of a curse than a blessing. I am 26 years old about to 27 next month and I have found that special someone I do see myself with for the rest of my life. In the beginning we did have something special going but now it has deteriorated due to my lying manipulation and other dumb things I have done to anger her.

I grew up being bullied not only at school but at home too. My friend gave me the strength to get away from them for good so I can finally start my adult life. Technically I am single because of the things I have done to hurt my friend and I have to prove to her that I can treat her right. I am in the process of changing my demeanor how I think act and everything so I can prove to her I can be the man she always dreamed of. By all means I am not looking for any sympathy or people to coddle me.

Seriously my parents did enough of that shit to me which made me what I am right now a little pussy. I have found that just I need to get better and change. And we can prove it. Your subscription to The Christian Science Monitor has expired.

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Christian Science Perspective. Cover Story. Karin Denison c. She is in her 40s and happily single. June 14, By Stephanie Hanes Correspondent stephaniehanes. You've read of free articles. Subscribe to continue. Mark Sappenfield. Our work isn't possible without your support. Digital subscription includes: Unlimited access to CSMonitor. The Monitor Daily email. No advertising.

Cancel anytime. Related stories Savoring the Single Life The changing face of single life Is living alone the new happy ending? Some studies go so far as to suggest that the year decrease in the rate of coupling can be attributed largely to global trade and the year decrease in the number of stable and well-paying jobs for American men that it brought with it. When manufacturing moved overseas, non-college educated men found it more difficult to make a living and thus more difficult to attract a partner and raise a family.

But there is also evidence that coupling up improves the economic fortunes of couples, both men and women. Bradford Wilcox, pointing to a Harvard study that suggests single men are more likely than married men to leave a job before finding another. The Pew report points to a Duke University study that suggests that after marriage men work longer hours and earn more. Since , women have graduated college in far higher numbers than men. If you want to lock yourself in a room with somebody for 50 years, you might want to have the same level of education, and just have more in common with them.

What seems to be clear is that the path to marriage increasingly runs through college.